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speed of sound
21 December 2014 @ 10:42 pm
1) My depression is bad right now, but I haven't been this grateful about things in a long time. When I am having a terrible day and can't get out of bed, it's okay -- I can just sleep until I feel human again, go to the library at SDSU whenever I want, get my shit done, and come home and faceplant. When I have no energy to do anything but go to the beach and study, I can do that. When nothing except a pint of caramel ice cream will make me smile, I can go buy it and groceries and other things I need because I'm not living with a roommate who doesn't pay their half of the bills, and I don't have to factor theirs into my own budget in order to avoid having the lights and water shut off.

My schedule is still (mostly) unscheduled and I think being able to take everything at my own pace and make my physical + emotional care my top priority is why I'm able to handle school and my job and taking care of a sick parent and the bros at my practicum site without ending up in the hospital myself. I have a job I love, my finances answer to no one but me, my practicum/internship site makes me want to be a better person, I'm going to church sometimes, I'm in a Masters program where being a misfit is an employable skill, and I'm slowly accepting the fact that dating just isn't for me.

2) Things were much worse last year at this time, and my trich symptoms came back for the first time since childhood and it was really, really embarrassing and like. I realized that the only time I wasn't pulling my hair was when I was wearing a wig, so I thought, "You know what? Fuck everything. My hair looks like garbage because so much of it is gone and I wear a hoodie all the time anyway. I'm shaving it off." So, I've been wearing wigs for an entire year now and... it's the only thing that's ever helped. Seriously. I've never really talked about it because I hate talking about self-harm in general and trich is one of those things that grosses out a lot of people, and I think the only ones who knew were my parents, one friend who took care of me when I was sick at a con, another one who was excited and wanted to see it, and a practicum friend that I'd go swimming with over the summer.

My natural hair is almost down to my shoulders now, and it's still uneven as hell and I never ever ever show it in public but I can't believe this helped me as much as it did.

3) Tumblr is my main hangout anyway so I guess I don't care about how uncomfortable and embarrassing my entries are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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14 August 2012 @ 07:22 pm
- I started seeing a new therapist this summer. She's the harshest I've ever had, which is kind of what I need.

- Sometimes I feel like my problem is having problems, because I'll feel fine and stable and then I'm reminded of how truly fucked up I am. And I can't say, "Whatever, who cares, I'll do what I want." I can't. Because I feel like I can't make my own choices without everyone, including my family, saying "Yeah, that sounds great" and secretly suspecting that it won't work out. I can't listen to anyone's advice about ~following my bliss or whatever because I just don't want to try. I used to be so adventurous 4 or 5 or 6 years ago, and now I can't entertain the same flights of fancy. (It's not a matter of what people think. It's a matter of what people refuse to say.)

- My therapist started throwing around the word "abuse" during my first appointment to describe situations I never applied it to. She started our first appointment by saying, "Wow, you've been through a lot" before even introducing herself, and later said, "If words were fists, you would have spent [a long time] trying to hide your bruises," And. It kind of left me depressed for a solid two weeks. Because. Well. Fuck it, she's right.

- I don't really remember how to journal.
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22 December 2011 @ 03:46 pm
I like that LJ-change Day is always Everyone-who-stopped-using-LJ-comes-over-to-say-hello Day ♥

Nothing is new here that I haven't robbled about on Twitter or Tumblr. I basically just work while watching World War I documentaries. I'm going back to working on some portfolio pieces tonight since I'm off school until January 6th and I know I'll regret it if I don't.

This has been a weird holiday season with my family, but honestly, I'm not as saddened as I thought. I've seen non-parental family members a grand total of ~*~once~*~ since coming back to California, which sucked on Thanksgiving. My government sector aunts and uncles aren't as linefacey about my degree change as they were when my mom first told them, so... whatever. My aunt who had a heart attack earlier in September is doing better, and all of my cousins continue to be sporty and cute.

So this is awkward and Idk online etiquette anymore, but I wanted to talk about Textbroker for a paragraph. It's a copywriting website I use part-time and I thought some of you might want to look into it? :3 On average I make about $25 to $35 a night, and I know a lot of you are looking for small gigs or jobs to fund stuff going on later in the year. All it requires for the pay-out is a PayPal account and a US W9 tax form. There's also a UK mirror, but obviously!, I have no idea how it works. :\
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11 December 2011 @ 04:18 am
Not having a set schedule means I work for 14 hours and then the idea of "homework" falls out of my brain so I fill a Word document full of River Tam meta instead of doing that.


Christmas memeCollapse )
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05 December 2011 @ 08:23 pm
Give me a pairing from one of my fandoms, and I will tell you:

1. Who is the big spoon/little spoon
2. What is their favorite non-sexual activity
3. Who uses all the hot water in the morning
4. What they order from take out
5. What is the most trivial thing they fight over
6. Who does most of the cleaning
7. Who controls what they watch on TV
8. Who's the one to always push to go out for a change
9. Who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
10. Who steals the blankets
11. Who leaves their stuff around
12. Who remembers to buy the milk
13. Who remembers anniversaries
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They're twelve, thirteen, maybe, and on an asinine errand with their aunt to go pick up breakfast. Mara's poking Jacen in his shoulder and berating him when a stranger on the Coruscant walkway mumbles Imperial scum close enough not to be directed at any other red-haired woman. Jaina's lips form a thin line and in a matter of seconds, the man's face pales when he's approached by Mara. She keeps her voice calm and firm. The twins hear words even their father doesn't like to use. Mara strides back up to them and continues hassling Jacen, shooting Jaina a glare when she doesn't immediately catch up.

Two decades later during Valin's trial, Jaina can't number how many sneers she gets in one afternoon. Finally, the first cat-calling whistles come from a group of young human males. Her jaw drops, her blood boils, and she knows-

drawing attention to herself would make Javis Tyrr's entire year that much better.

( She still prepares excuses in her mind, lots of them, even though Mara is no longer at her debriefings. )
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07 October 2011 @ 02:58 am
Maaan, sometimes I wish the LJ/Tumblr community would realize that making fun of bloggers with eating disorders is just as cruel as mocking people who dare to express any other form of mental illness. Individual definitions of bullying are hysterical yo!
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16 September 2011 @ 08:12 pm
If you could write the next Star Wars movie, what story would you tell? It could be anything: a sequel, prequel, or anything in-between. Describe your adventure in 300 words or less. Our favorite story will receive a Star Wars saga Blu-ray gift pack! [Contest Details]



All tenel_ka's fault etc oh gosh
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09 September 2011 @ 01:46 pm
DRAGON*CONNNNNNN. I wanted to wait for more pics to get uploaded before making a post, but oh well, lol.

+ This is my third con but my first year when my costumes actually went okay/actually happened so I was pleased.
+ The memorial service for Bucky Barnes was the most hilarious thing. mandybu really does throw the best parties, okay. I met tons of new people that night and it sucks that C6 is taking place the week before D*C next year, because I want to hang out with various Club Jade people again. :3
+ On that note, I've been having so many I KNOW YOU BUT WHO ARE YOUUUUU moments on Tumblr and Twitter since we got back. I need a primer.
+ I really didn't attend too many panels, because when do I ever, and also because I was sick from going about 48 hours with sleep the Tuesday and Wednesday before getting to Atlanta :| But I did make it to a few Stra Wras. The Carrie panel was outrageous and I'm now going through all of her books in my house with a highlighter. Why not.
+ Our hotel room shared a wall with Michael Stackpole, lmfao.
+ I have the best friends in the world.

All in all, A+, except for that pesky lack of a djcati.